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7 am , my allarmclock starts going. I turn on the light and notice that something is wrong. Over night that navy blue blancket I crawled under, turned white in the night. And the mountain of lego’s on the nightstand have disappeared.
That’s when my husband walks in, asking if I know what day it is.
“Thuesday what else”
“and what date is it?”
“The 28 of januari 2014”
No it is actually been over a year. It is # march 2015
And that is when the panic starts. How can I have missed over a year.
My husband calmly hand me my tablet , telling me to read the file on it, that contains everthing that has happened in the last year.
Reading that does help me understand but doesn’t help me calm down.
But I am allowed out of the bedroom. On my way to the bathroom I notice things in the hallway have changed aswell. Then it clicks , it sais so in the file. But reading it and seeing it just isn’t the same thing.
While ‘im in the bathroom my husband has to leave for work , leaving me alone to discover the rest of the apartment.
The rest of the apartment goes the same way. Every change starts a new wave of panic. Even though it clicks that I’ve read about it. Somehow I cannot grasp the fact that it realy has been a year and that those things realy have happened/changed.
I just crawl into bed again and cuddle up to my teddybear. Trying to calm myself
I managed to get out of bed , and start getting myself dressed. Opening my wardrobe is my next problem. When did I by these clothes?
I’m finally calm enough the leave the apartment to do some grocery shopping.
As soon as I walk out the door, a new panic attack is just waiting to happen.
Where did those buildings come from? Yesterday that was an empty lot but now there is a 6story building. Ow right it said something about that in the file. But I’m still panicking.
Finally home from what should have been a 10min grocery run. Full panic mode does not help things go faster. On my way in u bump into my landlord. Who ask how I’m doing. Ask him about him, how is parents are. And that is when I notice I made a painful mistake. His father died a year ago.
The rest of the afternoon I decide to just binge-watch some tv-show I’ve found on my laptop.
I’m still watching that show when my husband comes home from work
“are you watching that show again? You’ve been watching those same episodes daily for the last month.”
That is when I give up trying to make some sence out of it all. On full autopilot I cook dinner,eat it in front of the tv, and just go to bed.
Everyday goes along the same lines. The only difference is that now I am being babysat by my parents on the days my husband isn’t home. It doesn’t help to get me calm but at least they can explain things to me. And they do find ways to keep my busy enough that I don’t think about what’s happened/changed.
On a good day that does help to calm me down a bit. On a bad day I don’t even make it out of bed.